Hey Yahoo, Ya-hooey, Out Of My Face!

by Kevin Burton

   I’ve got Travis Kelce on my fantasy team.

   Such a sentence I never thought I would utter. But there you have it.

   Tuesday night was draft night for the USA Legends fantasy football league.  The Legends were/are a new beep baseball team made up of older players from all around the country.

   To keep that experience going I did a crazy thing last month. I agreed to play in the fantasy football league if there was enough interest to have one.  There was and I’m in.

   Had my doubts about the Legends but that turned out great!  So here’s hoping fantasy football will follow suit. 

   These fantasy football nuts have always made me snicker. Beyond schizophrenic I thought, rooting for scattered players along with or maybe in front of, their team loyalty.

   I was disenchanted though with the Bengals for drafting wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase instead of offensive lineman Penei Sewell in the first round of the NFL draft. That was even before Chase dropped almost every pass thrown to him this pre-season.

   So why not fantasy football? It can’t go much worse than Bengals football, right?

   The team is called the K&J Silvers.  It is community property in the Burton household. I think of my wife Jeannette as the CEO and myself as the President of Football Operations. 

   A random draft order slotted us tenth in the 12-team league. That’s not good. As novices we could have used a break. I had little clue how to build a team no clue how to navigate the Yahoo fantasy draft screen I was seeing.

   When we got a reminder the week before about the $20 league fees being due, I paid right away, then texted Commissioner Rob Weigand a self-serving suggestion: “How about draft order based on who pays first?”

   No dice. 

    I got a little advice from the commish before the draft. Maybe he didn’t want a Detroit Lions-ish team in the league, sapping competitive balance.

   But before I could use that advice though, either my internet connection or the Yahoo draft module kicked me out.

   When I got back in I learned that possibly some auto draft feature snagged Green Bay wide receiver Davante Adams for me. So maybe the best pick we have I didn’t even make.  

   So if I stop right there, Travis Kelce and Davante Adams, you will think I have a pretty good team and I am a first-rate President of Football Operations.

   Well there are some self-appointed loud-mouthed nay-sayers who have a different view.

   So after the draft, I get this love letter from Yahoo critiquing my efforts. I was relieved to see their grade of C until I read “With a few too many gambles, K&J Silvers have a great team if the goal is to finish dead last.”

   This is Yahoo getting into my kitchen just a little bit more than I needed on an otherwise pleasant Tuesday evening in the heartland!

   First, if that is true how do I get a C? Sounds like an F-minus to me. 

  They called my pick of Cincinnati wideout Tyler Boyd a reach, saying, “You must know something nobody else does. We’re not sure why else you would select Boyd in the fifth round, about four rounds earlier than his ADP of 104.” 

   Well, I know that Boyd was quarterback Joe Burrow’s favorite target last year. Also, it appears new wideout Ja’Marr Chase can’t catch a football any better than Penei Sewell can.

   There are two things right there that I know that apparently you don’t know, sugar bear!

   Yahoo, Ya-hooey.

   I don’t need those nattering nabobs of negativism. 

   I don’t have the space or time here to compare the relative merits of Ya-hooey News to say the BBC or CNN. Clean up your own cesspool before you jump on a rookie fantasy drafter!

   If you’re thinking this post has drifted somewhat from discussing the rest of my team, that I’m using my beef with Ya-hooey to subtly change the subject to avoid revealing the rest of my picks, this may also be an opportune time to reveal that I might not be able to return on Page 7, to the theme of fantasy football in the weeks to come as much as I had hoped.

   My research into soybean varieties and 14^th-century literature could prove time consuming, crowding out news about the progress of the K&J Silvers.  We’ll have to wait and see. 

   My wife/CEO says “It’s all in fun.” I will try to remember that if I go 4-11, as projected by Ya-hooey. Honestly if I get any wins, I’ll be thrilled.

   It all starts Sept. 9. Until then, hi ho Silvers, away!