All Honor To The Keeper Of The Seven Bowls

by Kevin Burton

Dear Cat Sitter,

   The worker is worthy of her hire. But you are no ordinary worker.  You are most worthy.

   You are chosen. You are select among mortals. Yours is no ordinary task. This is a venerated trust. Be you ever so steadfast in your appointed rounds. For you, are the Keeper of the Seven Bowls.

   And the Travelers must go. They have their appointed journeys. The hour has come. They can tarry no longer. The K and the J, cat daddy and mommy. In your capable hands reside the furry princesses. At this time, their green eyes look to you. And the Seven Bowls of Life sustain them.

   Princess Lakin, the acrobat, depends on you. Her energy is boundless, but only provided she gets her fuel. If she doesn’t get her water, she will jump into the kitchen sink. Having reached that exalted mountain top, who knows what mischief can be wrought.  

   And we know that Lakin is not a proper name for a cat or for a person. It sounds more like the name of a small town in rural Nebraska, which the Travelers might stumble upon. Lakin, county seat of Lakin County where the courthouse is just off of Main Street on Third.

   But she answers to Lakin, so start there, though she also answers to Ronnie, or Alexa, or anything else you might utter with conviction.

   Princess Veronica, the omnivore, will be waiting for you expectantly. She is accustomed to the nickname “Ronnie.”  Don’t address her as  Veronica, for if you do, you might as well be saying Princess Harmonica. She doesn’t know that song. But she knows the sound of a can of Fancy Feast opening, in the morning after the birds have awakened and have tweeted their daily greeting.

   Consumer of flesh and anything else that you might absent-mindedly leave within her reach, Princess Veronica is relentless, consistent in her pursuit of calories. She is a mathematical genius, having calculated to the third decimal, what percentage of food that humans can be expected to drop.

   And the bowls have been placed, with precision and exactitude, for the sustaining of life, and feline good manners. And these are the Seven Bowls.

   The Orange Bowl, on its plastic basket stand is The First Water Bowl. It should be filled daily, for Princess Lakin will seek it earnestly. We have already mentioned the kitchen sink thing.

   The Silver Bowl is the Second Water Bowl. Its position is exactly two cat lengths to the right of the Orange Bowl, the First Water Bowl. The distance is two cat lengths in the unlikely event that the princesses should seek liquid refreshment at the same exact time, in which case there could be hell to pay.

   Actually, feel free to go with three cat lengths. Use your judgment on this.

   Next, the First Red Bowl. This bowl, placed on the Exalted High Surface of the Cat Tree ensures that Princess Lakin gets something to eat, and that Princess Veronica does not sweep through like a horde of feline locusts and eat everything edible.

   Princess Veronica is earthbound and can not ascend to the top of the Cat Tree, though she can scratch the bottom and whine.

   The Second Red Bowl is for Princess Veronica, who when desperate times call for desperate measures, will eat dry food, albeit gripingly, to coin a phrase.

   The Red Bowls should be filled with Friskies of the savory gravy variety. These are the choicest of morsels, approved by the princesses themselves.

   You have filled four bowls, and yet three bowls remain.

   The long Double-Sided Tender Vittles Bowl is for the 9-Lives food. Somebody is eating the 9-Lives food and we assure you it is not The Travelers, the cat mommy and cat daddy. If you witness somebody actually eating the 9-Lives food and tell us who is doing so, there will be something extra in your envelope.

   The Grand Silver Bowl is for just in case. This is the month-worth-of-water bowl put in place in case of carnage, related to the water-filled Orange Bowl and the Silver Bowl.

   Both princesses have their breeding and their training. But you have to factor in the possibility of the green-eyed rage and its consequences.

    And yet there is the Seventh Bowl. The Green Bowl. The grandest bowl of all.

    In the Green bowl, please deposit one can of Fancy Feast per day. In the absence of this daily offering there will be great agitation and wailing at high volume by Princess Veronica. There will be no peace in the household until that can has been opened.

   But you have kept the peace, for you are chosen. You are elect.  You are The Keeper of the Seven Bowls.

   And the two princesses, Princess Lakin and Princess Veronica will praise you daily, until the sound of the opening of the Great Garage Door, signals the return of the Travelers and the return to the normal routine, not to mention the changing of the cat litter.

   The love we pour on you, please pour it on the girls. And we stopped the mail, don’t worry about that.

   Love, The Travelers