by Kevin Burton
I invite you to step today, if you dare, into Kev’s Kitchen.
Just yesterday on Page 7 we looked at some jargon used by professional chefs and servers as they communicate in their busy restaurants. At our house we don’t use too many of their terms. We do say “behind” or “right behind you” to let each other know if a quick turn could cause a messy collision.
Mostly though, if my wife Jeannette is making one of her famous gargantuan salads – which are the size you would expect might come from Sam’s Club – I just clear the area, waiting very, very patiently for my turn.
So what’s this “Kev’s Kitchen” stuff, you ask. Isn’t the kitchen a joint culinary creation zone?
Well yes, but absorbing most of the credit/blame for what comes out of this particular zone is something I feel obligated to do myself.
It’s like when Jeannette and I started dating, and I told her there was a “level” of food in my bachelor refrigerator that I would eat but would not serve to her.
See what I mean? Calling it Kev’s Kitchen is an act of chivalry.
Anyway, here’s some of the language from Kev’s Kitchen (zero stars):
Nuclear
Jeannette has next to no tolerance for spicy food, although she has been known to eat Herr’s Red Hot variety chips. That’s probably because they are equally sweet and hot.
I, on the other hand, never met a pepper I didn’t like.
So our Old El Paso taco seasoning comes in hot and spicy for me, mild for her. Any food that has had the Kev heat treatment is called nuclear. See also the verb “nuke.” “Do you want this leftover burger?” I might ask. “No? OK I’m gonna nuke it.”
Use it or lose it.
We do some calendar-based dining at our place, especially on weekends. “How old is this” one of us will ask the other. If we order pizza, it pushes our leftovers more toward the lose it stage. If I thawed out ground beef but didn’t feel like cooking it right away, a sort of clock starts ticking.
Science project
This is when that clock hits midnight. This is more a term from our dating era. It’s all but impossible for food to languish that long in the fridge under Jeannette’s keen eye.
A science project is a food which has changed colors since it first entered the fridge. If you listen closely, a science project may be emitting a quiet gurgling sound. It may be oozing brown liquid.
Monday is trash day for us. Sunday is time to check for moldy oldies.
Hint for spaghetti sauce: the actual mold may be growing on the under side of the lid, not on the surface of the sauce.
Trapped Time
I am in charge of washing dishes at our house but I don’t ever do it, technically. What I do is wash whatever I can fit into what I call trapped time.
For example, while the Keurig is brewing my Folgers or Maxwell House dark coffee I will wash whatever I can wash. Doing dishes during commercials on NFL Sundays makes me feel l a little better about as they used to call in kindergarten “using time wisely.”
Let’s be honest though, if there are two games on I’ll be clicking between them and the dishes can wait.
Also if my ride is supposed to arrive in say ten minutes, I can wash a lot of things in that time.
Goop
In our fridge all the condiments are on the left side door. If it’s not barbecue sauce, I hate them all. Ketchup, mustard, relish – double yuck! Jeannette like some of this, so we compromise by keeping it in one area. This way I can avert my eyes, saving my stomach from doing flips.
“Do you want the rest of this,” Jeannette might ask. “Does it have goop on it” is my first question.
Microsafe
If we have brought home both fast food and groceries, we put the fast food in the microwave, just to remove all temptation for our acrobat cat, Lakin, while we put the groceries away.
Honestly though, she is more interested in getting on tables to smell flowers than to grab Braum’s double cheeseburgers.
Bussing the floor
Statistically speaking, a human is going to drop food a certain percentage of the time. When this happens, our other cat Ronnie (Veronica) is ultra quick to pounce on it. She’s so tidy that way. I call this bussing the floor and she’s very good at it.
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