Noisy Cauliflower, A Growing Concern?

by Kevin Burton

   Certain food just calls out my name. Pizza comes to mind. Know what I mean?

   And it doesn’t have to shout either. I am listening for its call on Friday nights, really most nights.

   I haven’t heard too much from cauliflower though. But last week I learned I should have been listening more carefully. 

   It seems you can hear cauliflower growing.  Really.  The American Academy of Audiology says so. Farmers say so.

   Now don’t go over to the fridge and start listening.  That cauliflower has been picked, it’s not growing, unless you’ve had it in there a long, long time. 

   But in the field:

   “Cauliflower ekes out a barely audible sound, due to its rapid rate of growth. It can grow as much as one inch per day with the right growing conditions,” reads a note on the academy’s website. “This rapid expansion means the florets of the plant’s popcorn-like heads rub against each other. Farmers call this “cauliflower creak.”

   “Many say it’s similar to the sound of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies in a bowl after you pour the milk. Rhubarb, cabbage, and other crops exhibit similar noises, although it is more pronounced in cauliflower owing to their florets.”

   “As far as we know, the exact decibel level of cauliflower growing has not been measured, but to hear it grow, the surrounding environment needs to be very quiet.”

   My granddaughter Willow loves cauliflower. I’m not sure how somebody got her to try it in the first place, since it’s not in the chocolate family. Possibly it was placed next to broccoli on a plate. That could have enhanced cauliflower’s desirability.

   One fall my wife and I joked to her that we were going to put cauliflower in her Christmas stocking, since she liked it so much.

   That Christmas we were shocked when having torn through her stocking she asked “where’s the cauliflower?”  That let us know she was growing up, could remember what we had said from visit to visit. We’ve had more than a few other signs of her growth since then. 

   I don’t think she could ever be quiet enough for long enough to hear cauliflower growing though.  So this new knowledge is mostly theoretical.   

  The US Department of Agriculture says cauliflower is consumed far less than potatoes, tomatoes and onions, but it has many benefits.

   “Cauliflower is a fiber-rich vegetable that is low in fat and calories. It is a great source of vitamin C while supplying a good dose of vitamin B6 and magnesium, along with a variety of other trace nutrients.”

   I found numerous stories declaring cauliflower the new “it” vegetable.  Not sure who determines this. But among the sunshine I also found this warning from Food Network:

   “While everyone’s tolerance is different, too much cauliflower can create G.I. distress, like excess gas and bloating. ‘Make sure to drink enough water to move it through your system,’ suggests Barbara Lincoln, a registered dietician. Cooking it can also dial back digestion woes.

     Seven years ago, readers of the British website vice.com were alerted to an anticipated bonanza of vegetable voicings

   “According to a farmer in Cornwall, this weekend will be witness to the loudest cauliflower creak in Britain for 24 years. The distinctive squeaking noise is caused when the vegetable grows at a sudden rate, forcing its florets to push against one another. Think of it as the brassica version of summer thigh chafing.”

   “Due to a sudden increase in night temperatures forecast for this weekend, cauliflowers are expected to grow by three centimeters a day—an amount that would have anyone squeaking.”

   “Speaking to The Daily Mail, David Simmons from Cornwall growers Riviera Produce, explained that the creak is best heard during early morning hours when there is little background noise.

   “You can hear the actual crops growing,” he said. “It’s a bit like Rice Krispies in a bowl. You pour milk in, hear it popping. It’s that sort of noise, when it’s very still in the morning.”

   “The image of rows of cauliflower squeaking with exertion as they expand, Hulk-like out of their leaves may not be an appetizing one, but Simmons also notes that the vegetables rapid growth will also lead to a better taste.”

   “It’ll result in the sweetest tasting cauliflowers for quarter of a century,” Simmons said. “So if you haven’t tried the vegetable yet, this is the crop to go for.”

   Well I don’t think of cauliflower as sweet. But I did venture into the kitchen to follow up on all this cauliflower excitement. My wife Jeannette told me her mother used to make cauliflower with Campbell’s cheese soup. We had some of both, so I tried it one Sunday night. I had the time since it isn’t quite football season yet.

    My creation can be described as edible. I added Kraft shredded sharp cheddar to the canned Campbell’s product. It’s not a beautiful dish right now. This is going to take some work.

   Look, it’s a long way to the Super Bowl. But as of now, my cauliflower and cheese sauce is not a favorite to make our family Super Bowl spread.