Burton Ride Service Delivers (For Me)

by Kevin Burton

   The following is a product/service review for the Burton Ride Service, located in South Central Kansas.

   The service was formally established in 2012. Terms and conditions for this service are written between the lines of a 2012 marriage license obtained in Sedgwick County, Kansas.

   This review is written and cross-referenced under the “credit where credit is due” and the “knowing what’s good for you” sections of that license.

   Visually-impaired travelers wishing to conduct normal business, search their local areas for suitable travel accommodations. I have chosen this one.

   I give the service the highest possible rating, seven stars out of seven.

   The service provides transportation for a limited number of visually-impaired clients located in Sedgwick County, Kansas. The client list is set at a number not to exceed 1 (one) client.

Fleet

   The fleet consists of one main vehicle, a black 2012 Toyota Camry.  Other vehicles are rented and deployed as needed, mostly for travel outside Kansas.

   The vehicle is small but can hold a tremendous amount of beep baseball equipment if necessary. It is impervious to most of the food consumption and distribution errors of grandchildren. The trunk can hold up to two full cases of pork rinds.

   This vehicle is an upgrade over the service’s previous vehicle, a Volkswagen Passat that spewed parts at a rate of between four and seven parts per month.

   It’s important to note that one can’t say the word Passat in English without seeming to spit. Passat actually means “cha-ching” in German.

   The vehicle has no markings that would identify it as a Burton Ride Service company vehicle. This is desirable as terms in the license limit ridership to one blind resident. It also provides for stealth movements, as the ride client may need from time to time for blog investigations.

   The service previously, very briefly, deployed a big-butt Buick as its only vehicle. This tanklike tan vehicle had the advantage of being free aside for cost of gas, but had ancient amenities and eccentricities such as rolling up one’s own windows without electronic assistance.

Driver

   The Burton Ride Service has only one driver. This driver is breathtakingly beautiful, a definite distraction from usual trapped-time tasks such as Bible memory verses, grocery lists and thinking up blog ideas.

   There is no handbook for grandmother drivers. But they nevertheless, without comparing notes with one another, adhere to a loose set of driving behaviors, including but not limited to: obeying speed limit, keeping safe clear distance between vehicles, frou-frou coffee consumption and limiting audio radio sound level to that of a cat purring.

   This phenomenon of universal grandmother driving is similar to the one that ensures that each generation of children will know and utilize the ungrammatical doggerel, “Shut don’t go up prices do, take my advice and shut up too!”

   This grandmotherly driving behavior began years before grandmotherhood or the formal establishment of the Burton Ride Service.

Scheduling

   Scheduling is one of best features of the Burton Ride Service. Rides are sometimes available on a moment’s notice and without excess paperwork. The vehicle is available at all times, except for routine maintenance, hair and nail appointments, bunco and thrice-daily car washes.

Concerns and complaints

    To register a written complaint, the client must first calculate the significance of the alleged inconvenience, weighing it against the feasibility of alternative transportation (such as walking three to eleven miles to the grocery store and carrying nine bags of groceries) before filing it in the nearest trash can or shredding machine. This is the “another think coming” provision.

Backup driver

   In case of emergency, the ride client may serve as the motor vehicle operator. Conditions under which the client may drive include:

   Death of the main driver.

   Death/incapacitation of all other drivers in Sedgwick and surrounding counties.

   Suspension of the laws of physics.

   As I say, this service gets seven stars! This concludes my review for the Burton Ride Service.

   Yes, this is me, riding happily into the Kansas sunset, singing the backup lyrics to the Beatles “Drive My Car.”

   “Beep-beep, beep-beep yeah!

   “Beep-beep, beep-beep yeah!