The company that brought you “no more tears” shampoo will split into two, according to CBS News.
By the fall of 2023, Johnson & Johnson will divide itself, leaving one company that sells medical devices and prescription drugs and another that sells the brands you’re familiar with, including Neutrogena, Aveeno, Tylenol, Listerine, Johnson’s, and Band-Aid.
I read that and thought, perfect, one company can be called Johnson and the other Johnson. Equal split.
Or, if that’s too confusing how about This Johnson and That Johnson? Or how about Medical Price-gouging Johnson and Small-scale Price-gouging Johnson?
The CBS story didn’t say the company was seeking input from bloggers concerning its new names. I offer this just in case that was an oversight.
Actually the article said the company selling prescription drugs would keep the Johnson and Johnson name and that no name had been selected for the other one.
CBS also announced that General Electric will split into three companies, to focus individually on aviation, health care and energy, by 2024.
There was no information about new names. GE Aviation, GE Health and GE Energy sound right to me. They would be crazy to lose that GE brand recognition.
Is all this corporate contracting giving you a splitting headache?
If so, I’m very sorry to add to your distress. But I am otherwise super-excited to announce that I am splitting my worldwide empire into three pieces, to focus more specifically on sports obsession, music obsession and procrastinating.
(Incidentally kids, if your HR department at work says it is super-excited about something, be super wary. Locate your wallet immediately!)
“By creating three industry-leading, global public companies, each can benefit from greater focus, tailored capital allocation, and strategic flexibility to drive long-term growth and value for customers, investors, and employees,” somebody said.
“We believe that the new companies will each be able to more effectively allocate resources to deliver for patients and consumers, drive growth and unlock significant value,” somebody else said.
I appropriate these statements here for my own purposes. GE and Johnson and Johnson have their reasons, I have mine.
The whole thing is a shell game, designed to keep my wife Jeannette from being able to locate me to add to my already overflowing in box, tasks such as clearing tables, dishing up ice cream and finding ear rings.
What I’m looking for right now is the clicker.
“Team Kev United” will be the company that serves to expand the number of waking hours spent consuming live and recorded sporting events and creating color-coded spreadsheets to capture data and projections concerning the fantasy football team, K&J Silvers.
“International Kev Band” (IKB) will shake its groove thing and yours! It will toggle seamlessly between music creation, consumption, appreciation and acquisition, all to the rhythm of the boogie beat!
The procrastination company “Glory Tomorrow” speaks for itself, in terms of high potential and expectation for its products and the time frame for completion of plans, processes and procedures aimed at facilitating the conceptualization of desired outcomes vis a vi resource acquisition and allocation.
Let’s see Jeannette work her way through that one! I must say my corporate non-speak was better than that of GE or either Johnson.
All these names can be changed. They are trial balloons, floated here to gage the response of stakeholders and save me the expense of assembling a focus group.
And there is really no end to the number of companies I can create. The first two can be subdivided easily. Glory Tomorrow is a truly inspired concept that will be harder to break up. But I can commission endless studies on the subject, which is just as good or even better.
There was nothing about finding ear rings in the wedding vows, or even about “helping,” per se. But Jeannette maintains the idea was implied under “love, honor and cherish.”
In a continuing effort to add value for my stakeholder/wife, I will be commissioning a study on that within a month or two.
And here’s my ace in the hole: When Glory Tomorrow embarks on a joint venture with either Team Kev United or IKB, the result will truly be game-changing.
I would elaborate on these exciting plans but I have to go now. Right now.
Jeannette is calling.
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