My New And Improved Wedding Vows

by Kevin Burton

   We’re up to nine now, the bride and I. Nine years of marriage, and counting, as of today.

    There was so much to do in the days leading up to the wedding.  Jeannette was a lot better about being on task on list, making things happen. 

   One thing I didn’t think of back then was writing our own vows.  With my being a writer, you would think that would have occurred to me. 

   It’s never too late of course and this is much better actually. With the experience of years of marriage I’m sure the vows I write now will be much better than what I would have written nine years ago. I mean I had no clue then, right?

   One of the first promises I made Jeannette, before the wedding even, was that in marrying me she was not marrying beep baseball.

   I then proceeded to purchase for her a wedding ring bought entirely with gift cards from a jewelry store within a grocery store, that gave a four percent discount to non-profits, such as the beep baseball team we were running at the time.

   Some would argue I didn’t keep that promise.  We can agree to disagree on that.  

   I couldn’t be happier in our marriage. Somehow I got marital blessings in a magnitude of at least ten or twelve times what I deserve. Of course I want to reflect this in my new and improved vows.

   So let’s see here, to the vows. You’ve got your standard stuff, the boilerplate. Love honor cherish, better worse, richer poorer, till death do us part. That’s all in there, I’ll keep that.

   I Kevin take you Jeannette to be my lawfully, Biblically wedded wife, one man, one woman, cats optional.  To have and to hold and to twirl under the ceiling fan on our home dance floor.

   I didn’t say no dogs, but it’s implied.

   I will speak up quickly and cheerfully to take on the household chores I don’t mind so much thus filling up my plate, so as to avoid some of the others. 

   I’ll take your family if you take mine. (Actually that sounds more like a dare than a vow.)

   I will use the headphones when I play my rock and roll music on the keyboard at 1:45 a.m.  I will try to remember not to sing out loud, but if I do let loose I will try to be on key.

   I will praise the Toyota even though we didn’t get the gold one I wanted, and I will hardly ever mention that German monstrosity Volkswagen that spewed parts and sounded like a cash register when it idled.

   I will faithfully discharge my duty as navigator while travelling in said Toyota.  I know my driving suggestions are essential to our safe timely passage from point A to point B. I take this responsibility seriously.

   I will limit my learned Animal House bachelor housekeeping habits to no more than two (2) areas, not to encroach upon the remainder of the house. 

   That includes aromas.

   I will not talk in line. Oops, sorry, that one was for my first grade teacher.

   I will eat the food that is almost but not quite spoiled. I will eat the restaurant leftovers you don’t get to, unless you order something with goop on it.

   I will listen to the entire re-enactment of your telephone conversations, interjecting relevant questions and witticisms to show I am focused, always focused.

   I promise not to spill grumpy sauce on the entire morning, just the first few minutes.

   Just one more: I promise not to mistake the house we live in for my home. You are my home. 

  Note to readers: I take on writing projects large and small as a freelance writer now.  If your wedding is upcoming, what better source to write the vows for your special day?  Just leave contact information in comments below and we’ll get started!