Furry-ous Cat Demands Election Recount

by Kevin Burton

   The people of 55th Street have spoken according to the San Francisco Chronicle, and they have opted for change.

   Call me a contrarian or what you will, but I have a few questions.  

   On 55th Street in Oakland, the people got more than a little fed up with the acrimonious national election, the lies and the lightweights.

   So they put together an election for mayor of their street, and fielded opposing candidates with a much better record of decorum and getting along than Democrats and Republicans.

   Namely, cats and dogs.

   Macy, a 6-year-old pit bull mix dog has unseated incumbent feline Wally by just one vote.

   “It always feels good to win,” said Rachel Kadner, Macy’s campaign manager (and owner). “This was a super fun process…We thought she was the underdog, so we’re happy to see that she pulled through in the end.”

   That acceptance speech comes from the Chronicle’s Instagram account, courtesy of reporter Kellie Hwang.

   The vote was held Oct. 31. There are no reports of demonstrations or unrest on 55th Street, which is in north Oakland. But with the razor-thin margin of victory and all that was riding on this election, the vote totals were certified just a little too quickly for some observers.

   It’s me, I am some observers.

   I’m at a disadvantage here because there is a lot of data I don’t have.  For example, I don’t have any information about the debate, or debates. Dogs usually shout down everyone so I can guess how that went. 

   I also don’t have information about who counted the ballots, if there were outside observers or whether dogs ate any ballots.

   I’d like to get my paws on that ballot box. Far be it from me to impugn the integrity of people and pets 1300 miles away who I have never met.  But to me, that election was too close to call.

   The Feline News Network in fact has not declared a winner, saying the election “hangs in the balance.”

   This also could be me. I might be the Feline News Network.

   Page 7 readers (both of them) know my history of favoring cats over dogs, but they also know my reputation for fair, unbiased election coverage.

   That being said, I don’t have access to the candidates. So technically I’m not sure how furry-ous Wally, the now former mayor, actually is. It’s possible the controversy is mainly here in central Kansas. Still, some questions remain.

   In the Instagram picture you can see Macy wearing a sash that says “Mayor.”  Did they have this dog-sized sash prepared ahead of time?

   Look, I don’t know, I’m just asking.

   However, I think I’m going to take a deep breath and let this thing go. I wouldn’t want to make myself into an international laughingstock by not accepting the results of a free and fair election. 

   The event was all in good fun but had an educational aspect as well.

   “The neighborhood hosted an in-person election and people chipped in to make ballots and a voting box,” Hwang said. I was told they involved a lot of the kids, and taught them about the election process. Apparently they took it very seriously.”

   The more I think about it, this whole thing is probably a wash.  I’m guessing the former mayor wanted out of the job anyway.  What cat would be up for all that ceremonial nonsense?  Let some dog be out there posing for pictures, slobbering all over everything.

   I’m sure that as mayor, Macy will represent all the pets, not just the dogs. But we know cats are the real power anyway. Why not just be behind the scenes?  It’s a lot more relaxing.

   I think a little relaxation sounds good to everyone right about now. 

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