by Kevin Burton
Just so you know, I did not write these little gems I am going to share today, though I could have.
It’s the kind of smart-alecky stuff that sounds like something I would say, and perhaps I will write my own list like this someday, but for this stuff, not guilty.
I thought of calling this 20 Questions but then I noticed that most of them aren’t questions and that there are 27 of them.
One of my not-quite classmates sent this on an e-mail list we are both on. He’s a not-quite classmate because he graduated from my alma mater, the Ohio State School for the Blind, the year before I got there.
I will pop off out of turn occasionally, just like I did back in the good old days at school, much to the delight of my teachers!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
(Neither is silent. The C takes a K sound and the word is pronounced “skent.”)
03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
(Hey proofreader-wife person, please take note of this one.)
05. The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims.”
(But you really should write it in capital letters as SWIMS. If you write it in small letters that dot is at the bottom of the word, and it won’t sit flat in the cupboard).
06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
(People did not evolve of course. We were created by God. Based on our “progress” I wonder why people are still around.)
08. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but making everyone mad is a piece of cake!
10. I’m responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there’s a new strain out there.
14. It’s not my age that bothers me – it’s the side effects.
15. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
17. As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy-efficient.
18. I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
20. Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas!
22. I’m on two simultaneous diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
(Food for thought indeed!)
23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
(Proofreader-wife person….ha ha just kidding! Remember I didn’t write these).
27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Well I am honest, I am grouchy and I am old. But whatever you call me, I can’t hear it. I’ve long since stopped listening to stray opinions.
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