by Kevin Burton
Your favorite retail outlet will be having an after-Christmas sale just now. It’s sort of their version of New Year’s resolutions, you know, out with the old, in with the new.
They won’t spare the hype, the bold print or the volume. God help you if you miss this sale! Please, don’t risk bringing shame upon your family. We’ve got the goods!
So in that spirit I welcome you to Grandpa Kev’s First Annual After-Christmas Sale! We’ve gone from the ridiculous price, down past the reasonable price and, just for you, settled at the “Oh-my-goodness-did-I-read that-right” price.
Did you notice a little joke there in the sale name, “first annual”? No such thing as first annual of course. “First” means it has never happened before. “Annual” means it happens every year. This was the subject of some hilarity on the newspaper staff when I worked at The Frontiersman in Alaska.
And while we’re on that subject, let’s just make that the first item in the sale: advertisements that mangle the language and/or common sense. Get them out! I am selling them cheap. Must go, now!
Come on in and walk freely about the place, feast your eyes. You won’t beat these prices at the leading stores! You’ll be glad you did!
Also at a low, low price, set to fit your budget and move the merchandise, football on Christmas. Get that away from me! Step right up and buy it now. So eager to get that off my books before the new year arrives. Can’t have that stuff in my showroom anymore!
Christmas Day is a joyful, much-anticipated day for Christians, and in a different sense for millions of other people. To scroll on Facebook and see that splashy “Gameday!” bit on Christmas Day is deeply offensive to me.
Somehow it isn’t enough for the NFL, “force-feed it to Brazil and Europe” behemoth to have practically every other minute of every other day. Now it has to be Christmas too.
Let me make this perfectly clear, as Richard Nixon used to say, not every @#$%^&* day is NFL gameday! Your greed is puke-inducing. Gluttony on a grand scale (see also, games on streaming services).
Get football on Christmas at a crazy bargain price, then take it far, far away from me forever and ever, amen.
Next, children shrieking at the top of their lungs in a closed car. You want to buy this, Grandpa Kev is here to help you. You’ll do us both a favor by making this purchase. This item comes at a deep discount and includes the baby and the bathwater. Take it all. We don’t need it. If you do, this is your lucky day!
Shoppers mingle, dig our jingle, yeah!
Hate to mention this next sale item, but it must go too. It’s self-imposed stupid. Feeling angry, hurt and stressed, my reaction? S-LAM the door to the garage. Thereafter it would not open from either side. So for a time we had to exit the front door and open the big outer door to access the garage.
That circuitous mini-trek was a reminder, while we had it, what a “genius” I can be. Please buy that one. Get it off my hands and off my conscience!
Also priced to sell, “Xmas.”
Removing Christ from Christmas seems to be one of the few things Americans agree on. Besides being offensive, Xmas is just lazy. Find another way!
As one who used to write headlines for a living, I know there is only so much space. I’ve often thought “Woes Eyed” would be the ultimate space-saving title.
Xmas is at the bottom of our bargain bin, but don’t overlook it. It must go, along with these other things.
You will notice that the music playing in the showroom during the sale is Christmas music by Perry Como. That last of you can buy that too, on your way out the door.
Grandpa Kev can’t imagine why anybody would buy these items, but just one precious buyer is needed to make a sale, so why not be that one buyer? We pass the savings on to you!
All sales are final of course.
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