It’s Black Coffee Or No Coffee At All

by Kevin Burton

   Let’s get a few things straight right up front. We’re all friends here, yes?

   The various sugars, sugar substitutes, creams, potions, spices, flavors, elixirs – chief among them pumpkin of any kind – these things that otherwise upstanding people put into coffee, these things individually and collectively are an abomination.

   The words of the prophet, Juan Valdez, could be heard in television commercials for Colombian coffee in the 70s. he never had anything to say about mocha or pumpkin.

   Today in National Coffee Day in the United States and Canada. International Coffee Day is Sunday. This difference bothers me not one whit because truth be told, almost 100 percent of days are coffee days.

   What does bother me is the blatant pollution of coffee. You who do this – you know who you are –are not doing it right.

   Notice I didn’t say the people are an abomination, just the foreign substances. I want to make this distinction clear because my proofreader/wife is one of the most enthusiastic violators of the coffee rule.

   The coffee rule is: black coffee or no coffee at all.

   Imagine my inner turmoil, standing in line at Kroger with a $15 Starbucks gift card in my hand. I will buy it for my wife and this will please her. But what percentage of this money will be spent on what started as honest-to-God coffee but has been adulterated in ways that are unnatural and just way too cutesy.

   I usually get a different size coffee from what my wife gets at Starbucks so there is absolutely no chance I will ingest any of the frou-frou stuff, whatever it’s called.

   “Hot mocha latte with one shot of espresso,” Jeannette informs me. Whatever.

   It still gets me how she will want to go out for (what she calls) coffee when we have all kinds of ground coffee and K-cups in the house.

   “It tastes better,” she said, “and their brownies are not half bad either.”

   Some of you will be familiar with Scooters coffee. Jeannette says I went to one of them with her on vacation last fall in either Nebraska or South Dakota. It didn’t stick in my mind. And I failed to record this in one of my ever-present notebooks.

   Well, the town where we live is getting a Scooters.  Jeannette is following the progress of the building as it goes up, as if she were the construction supervisor.

   I’m sure we’ll end up going there more than once. She’ll say “Can we go out for coffee,” but I won’t be able to hear her over the whirr of the perfectly good Keurig as it produces high-quality coffee with the press of a button.

   Well, at least Scooters will be closer than Starbucks.

   Some readers will recall my voice as being the one that laughs at people who try to define rock and roll, excluding anything that doesn’t ring their bell. If you see a contradiction there, in my narrowly defining coffee to suit my own taste, well I can’t hear you over the whirr of the Keurig and that driving boogie beat.

   So then, we move on to other coffee news:

   A headline on Wednesday’s Press Rundown reads “What is the ideal amount of coffee to consume?”

   “Consuming excessive amounts of caffeine can lead to symptoms such as a racing heart, jitteriness, anxiousness, nausea, trouble sleeping, headaches, acid reflux, and even tremors or vomiting in high doses,” the article reads. “For most adults, consuming up to 400 milligrams of caffeine per day, which is equivalent to about four eight-ounce cups of brewed coffee or six espresso shots, is considered safe.”

   Speaking of coffee in terms of milligrams is also an abomination. But what really gets my countrymen fired up is taxation without representation, which according to nationaltoday.com, played a role in America’s ongoing coffee obsession.

   “The history of National Coffee Day seems a bit, well, cloudy,” reads an article on their website. “We believe Sept. 29 came about as a jolting reminder to get back to work following a long summer — even though it’s a full week after the first day of fall. After all, Americans have turned procrastination into an art form.”

   “On the other hand, the history of coffee itself clearly goes back to 15th century Yemen. (Check out Dave Eggers’ recent book for a fascinating look at how it all went down.) As for Europeans, they got their first taste about 100 years later — with Venice leading the way. Per the National Coffee Association, it wasn’t a smooth ride: ‘Some people reacted to this new beverage with suspicion or fear, calling it the ‘bitter invention of Satan.’ The local clergy condemned coffee when it came to Venice in 1615. The controversy was so great that Pope Clement VIII was asked to intervene.”

   “He decided to taste the beverage for himself before making a decision, and found the drink so satisfying that he gave it papal approval. Mainland Europe’s first official coffeehouse (no, they didn’t serve lattes) opened in Venice around 1645.”

   “Back in the U.S., if it weren’t for the Boston Tea Party in 1773, Americans may never have swapped tea for coffee. When the colonies revolted against King George III’s hefty tea tax, tea was out and coffee was in.”

   So strike a blow for independence and lift up a cup of joe today.  Make mine black though, or forget it.