by Kevin Burton
Are we going today from sublime to ridiculous? Or is that just my bias?
Yesterday we ran part of a Los Angeles Times story about making friends in our adult years. We finish that story, by reporter Seraphina Seow today.
Psychologists interviewed by The Times, offered five suggestions for making friends. The third suggestion, where we ended yesterday, was “listen, really listen.” That, I say, is sublime.
Just about every day I encounter a situation where a problem could have been avoided had somebody just listened. To my embarrassment, sometimes I am the non-listener.
Listening is valuing the other person and gaining information for yourself. And kids, it’s free! Just for funzies…listen!
Today we continue with the fourth suggestion, which is to embrace small talk. My first thought was that this is ridiculous. But I can’t defend that. Many people thrive in social situations where the small talk is flying. I almost always shrink into the verbal background.
The reporter herself agrees with me on the matter, as you will see below as we conclude the story:
4. Embrace small talk
I hate small talk. I find it boring and worry it means the conversation is doomed. But Los Angeles-based psychologist Albert Bonfil said small talk is simply a sign that you’re still getting to know one another.
“Relationships don’t start off deep and profound,” he says. “They start off very superficial.”
Small talk is a tool you use to learn about a person who’s still pretty new to you, he explains. It’s “supposed to be dull,” because you’re choosing topics that are safe, that generally sit well with people instead of rocking the boat too early on.
As you bat around innocuous topics like the weather, the latest football score or that TV show’s finale, you gauge how the person responds. It helps you build a mental image of how the person might be in a friendship, Bonfil said. Who knows, after several stints of small talk, you might have a new pal, or realize you have nothing in common.
Lulls and awkwardness in small talk are normal, Bonfil said. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong or that the person isn’t worthy of your friendship, he said. It just means it’s still a relatively new relationship.
Smile, take a drink, think about what they said so far and ask a follow-up question. The follow-up question will come to you if you have been listening and are curious about your friend, Bonfil said.
Keep five small-talk topics on hand that you can pivot to if you’re waiting for a new thread to follow during the silence. Here are some to get you started:
- What do you like to spend time doing outside of work/caregiving?
- Have you ever watched a film or read a book more than once? What about it appealed or resonated with you so much?
- What have you been excited about recently?
- What was your school like growing up, what were the kids and teachers like?
- Have you got any plans for your next vacation?
5. Share in moderation
There’s nothing wrong with ranting to a friend about something or bringing up a personal issue. After all, for a friendship to deepen, both parties need to be willing to show vulnerability, according to clinical psychologist Yasmine Saad.
“If you cannot be vulnerable, then others cannot feel safe around you and open up to you,” and vice versa, Saad said.
But it’s important to avoid dominating a conversation, said clinical psychologist Linda Baggett. She said it can burn out a new friend.
If you are in the mood to vent, test the waters to see whether someone might be receptive to it. Baggett said something as simple as asking, “Would it be OK if I vent a little?” and waiting for their consent could do the trick. Then, share a little at a time and gauge how the person responds.
“If you put it all out there at once, there’s no way to course correct,” she said.
You can tell that a person wants to listen if they are leaning in, asking follow-up questions or maintaining eye contact.
“But if you see signs like squirming, looking away, glazed eyes, uncomfortable facial expressions, you can check in and ask if they are uncomfortable with what you are sharing,” Baggett advises.
Your friend may simply have limited bandwidth at that moment, “or perhaps the person doing the venting is turning a large percentage of the interactions into venting,” Baggett said.
You can avoid the latter by always making sure “there’s space for the other person to share too, so it’s balanced and they don’t feel like they’re hostage to your story,” Baggett said. . So, after your rant, ask your friend about how they are doing. Or, for the next catch-up, turn the focus toward doing a fun activity together.
Remember, the best way to improve any social skill is by practice. So, keep initiating the catch-ups, accepting invites for casual hangs, attending those after-work dinners and chatting with acquaintances at events. If you run into a speed bump or feel your anxiety levels skyrocketing, there are psychologists and specialize in friendships and social anxiety who can offer you personalized support. (Before they nudge you back out there to practice, practice and practice some more.)
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