by Kevin Burton
I have a friend, more of a Facebook friend really, who I wish would read these words. Chances are, you know someone is her position.
The person I am thinking of could not be any more dynamic, energetic, positive, intelligent. Some people just have that charisma that makes them stand out in a crowd. If you met her, you would remember her, I promise you.
But by reading her Facebook posts, it is evident that somebody at a church was rude to her, perhaps very rude. I have no idea the nature of the incident(s?). But it appears that one of God’s people offended her and her mind is now closed to the gospel.
There is a name for this phenomena that I never heard until it came up in a Sunday School lesson last year; “church hurt.”
You are probably thinking of someone from your circles who fits this description.
“The pain caused by a church is a ‘silent killer’ because of what it does deep in the fabric of the mind, heart, and soul of the wounded,” reads a passage on www.gotquestions.org. “If not dealt with, it will destroy future happiness, joy, and well-being.”
“The collateral damage negatively affects the ministry and outreach of the church, too, and some churches never recover. Recognize that the behavior that brought such devastation to your heart is not much different than the hurt any of us can encounter in the workplace, marketplace, or home.”
“The difference is we don’t expect God’s people to behave like those without Christ in their lives. The church is the one place almost everyone agrees should be safe, accepting, forgiving, and free from conflict and pain. Yet in most churches at least some elements of strife, conflict, and hatred creep in and tarnish that ideal,” the passage reads.
“Church hurt is the worst kind of hurt. It’s like getting stabbed in the back while the person holding the knife is looking directly into your eyes,” writes Natalie Runion on the website of the National Association of Evangelicals. “When the very people and institutions that should protect us betray us, we are often left in a rubble of disappointment, disillusionment and despair.”
“But we aren’t without hope. Jesus, our living hope, desires that all of his children be reconciled to him and to one another. And I, personally, want revival more than revenge.”
Spoiler alert: I will not be getting to the bottom of this topic in this post or perhaps anytime soon.
You have the church hurt that keeps people outside the family of God as in the case of my friend. You have betrayals among colleagues in an existing church organization. You have very public moral failures by prominent pastors.
You have church splits that hurt the whole congregation. I have spent a lot more time not attending church than as a church member in my life. Yet I have been a part of two church splits and not long ago stumbled upon the aftermath of another.
I told you, church hurt is a new concept to me and I am probably stretching its meaning beyond what is reasonable.
But above all, know this: I have faith in an all-loving perfect God, even if his children disappoint me deeply. This I say, knowing that I have disappointed others too.
“Don’t blame God for how His children behave. Don’t abandon the church, either,” reads the gotquestions passage. “There are many more dedicated, grace-filled, loving, and forgiving people than not in most churches. Seek them out. Spend time with them. If you cannot find them, find another church (it is rare that you cannot find them even in the most difficult church environment).”
“The church is God’s idea, and He protects it faithfully even though He is sometimes pained by its behavior (see Rev.2:3)
“How do we heal after being betrayed by those we trusted? How do we walk with those who have not only been hurt by the Church, but abused by spiritual leaders? How do we find the strength to try again after several attempts to find a healthy church family?” Runion asks.
“Many church leaders are internally asking the same questions as they are also trying to minister to those who are considering leaving not only their church, but their faith altogether.”
God has all those answers. God is the ultimate answer.
“How do we keep hurtful experiences from moving their destruction into our souls? The book of wisdom from the Bible says we must “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life (Prov. 4:23 NASB).
“We guard our hearts by carefully choosing our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions. Guard your heart by refusing to dwell on what happened, refusing to focus on the people who hurt you, and refusing to belabor the weaknesses of the church,” the passage reads.
“Giving up bitterness takes humility, but “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6, Prov. 3:34). It takes forgiving attitudes and actions (Matt. 18:22, Mark 11:27, Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13) with no hint of vengeance (Rom. 12:19).”
“Mostly, it takes the power of the Holy Spirit working in and through you (Eph. 3:16).”
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