by Kevin Burton
You’ve heard by now several variations on the old real estate saying, “location, location location.” This takes the cake.
And it’s not April Fool’s Day, so I guess this is supposed to be serious.
Some real estate professionals have begun to highlight the best places to buy houses for prime location, in the event we have to survive an all-out nuclear war in the United States. A British news agency has produced a map, based on the real estate industry suggestions.
Instead of “you are here” my location might as well read “you are toast.”
“As fears of a nuclear apocalypse abound, some prospective homebuyers in the US may want to reconsider the locations they’re looking for property in,” writes Jessica Kwong on msn.com. “Real estate experts have concluded that the places in America that are best suited for nuclear war survival are in remote and rural areas with warm climate and access to water and farmland.”
“They have recommended against densely populated urban cities and places with mass transportation, shopping centers and other convenient amenities that are traditionally desirable for living,” Kwong wrote.
“In the event of nuclear war the location of your home can determine your chances for survival,” Andrew Ragusa, CEO of REMI Realty on Long Island, New York told the Daily Mail.
“What used to be important when purchasing a home such as great school district, close to shopping, and near public transportation, has now changed to warm climate, access to food, and access to water,” Ragusa said.
Let me state for the record, if we have a nuclear war, I would much rather sign up for the instant incineration plan. Check please! Let me off this terrestrial ball.
I’ll fly away.
In Steely Dan’s post-nuclear war song “King of the World,” a ham radio operator who has survived the initial blast calls out for others who may be listening. He calls out in peace, saying, “I can’t be no savage. I can’t be no highway man.”
Americans living after a nuclear strike wouldn’t be like that. They would stop inventing memes and spreading lies on Facebook and start stealing, hoarding and shooting. Book it. It’s not something I would want to attempt to navigate.
This country is already up for grabs, to some degree, before the bombs have started flying.
“No marigolds in the promised land. There’s a hole in the ground where they used to grow,” goes the chorus to the Steely Dan song. “Any man left on the Rio Grande is the king of the world as far as I know.”
King of what though?
But Kwong writes of a nuclear morning after.
“Parts of California, Florida and Texas that are away from their big cities like San Francisco, Miami and Houston are ideal because they are near water and have good weather,” Kwong wrote.
“If you’re near water you will always be near food and water that can be ingested after it has been desalinated,” Ragusa said.
“The broker also advised on buying homes in states along the Mississippi River including Arkansas, Illinois, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Tennessee and Wisconsin,”
“Russia escalated nuclear threats in the midst of its war on Ukraine. North Korea’s nuclear arsenal has also been growing. Last week, (tensions) were elevated as the Doomsday Clock was set at 90 seconds to midnight and the threat of nuclear catastrophe had ‘never been so great,” Kwong wrote.
“Another real estate expert, Agent Editorial Board chair Jasen Edwards, suggested the Midwest and southeast due to their access to fresh water and farmland, and the Rocky Mountains which are difficult for nuclear warheads to reach.
“The elevation of the Rocky Mountains means that fallout would be dispersed more quickly and assisted by higher winds, which could help to minimize any radioactive material reaching the area,” Edwards told the Daily Mail.
“He also noted Nebraska’s ‘geographical location offers protection against nuclear fallout.”
“If I stay inside, I might live till Saturday,” sings the protagonist from King of the World.
But just in case he and I are wrong about the degree of devastation of a nuclear strike, good luck to all you post-apocalypse first-time home owners, with your marigolds and picket fences.
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